It all started on a cold, rainy night in Stoke…
I’m just fucking with ya, I was probably at the gym listening to a pod and staring into the mirror when I first heard the term “absolute box office” used to describe something a footballer did in the Premier League. Might it have been Ollie Watkins? Or perhaps Alexander Isak? Well, this is my origin story so I’m gonna say it was my large adult French son, Christopher Nkunku. And who said it? Realistically it was either one of the hosts of Stadio, The Athletic FC Podcast, Tifo, Straight Outta Cobham, or Men In Blazers OR it was Peter Drury. Let’s go with him.
I couldn’t tell you anything about the highlight in question, but there was something about describing a player this way that stuck with me. While the Brits have a fantastic rogues’ gallery of footy phrases that never really made their way to the US – think “they’re asking the question,” “howler,” or “squeaky bum time” – I clung onto this one the second I heard it. Why? Because it celebrates a player who isn’t just good, but really knows how to put on a show. A player that’s ready for the big stage and rises to the moment. That is what it means to be absolute box office.
It’s also a movie industry reference-ish, which was extremely convenient when trying to find a name that somehow covered the two completely unrelated topics on this-here website. As a Chelsea fan, trust me when I say that I tried a lot of different variations of Blue Is The (something)est Color, but nothing quite stuck (with this current regime, however, Deep Blue Sea or Blue Valentine might’ve been more fitting).
If you’re currently reading this, it means you too love film or footy or both (or you just sometimes wonder, “What do single men in their mid-30s spend their time obsessing over?”). But regardless of how you got here, may I just say welcome. Now, can someone please pass the peanut M&Ms? The show’s about to start.
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