47 Things that Feel Shorter than the Last 19ish Minutes of Challengers
A rally can – and should – only last for so long.
Before you say anything, I liked Challengers quite a bit. And man did it make me want a churro. But the final sequence in which we rally between our pals Art and Patrick on either side of the court, along with Tashi sitting in the stands in line with the net, feels like it’s an hour long.
This dude, what a prolific chunk of sleaze.
While Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross’ incredible score does propel you through the highs and lows of the penultimate tennis match itself, director Luca Guadagnino’s starts and stops of the match (and the music, which is actually pretty funny), shots from under the court, callbacks, reaction shots, and reactions to the reaction shots might make you think, “Wow, this is still going, huh?” Well, unless your really into men’s thighs. Then you’ll probably try to tell me that the scene could’ve been three times as long.
Anyway, here are 47 things that I’m pretty sure are shorter than the final 15–20 minutes of Challengers:
The last minute of any NBA playoff game
The extended cut of the Lord of the Rings Trilogy (+ director commentary)
A second watch of Killers of the Flower Moon
Actively listening to The Tortured Poet’s Department when you’ve never meaningfully listened to Taylor Swift before
Watching your second-favorite plant die over the course of the entire winter
Bad sex that you thought was going to be good sex
A prix fixe meal that you didn’t realize was a prix fixe meal
Any stand-up open mic
A third watch of Killers of the Flower Moon
A flight to Australia, New Zealand, or the Cook Islands
The Power Broker
The period during the height of the pandemic when people banged pots in appreciation of front-line workers
All five seasons of The Wire
That supercut of Owen Wilson saying “wow” a lot
The 2010 John Isner vs. Nicolas Mahut, 1st Round Wimbledon match that remains the longest recorded match in tennis history, lasting 11 hours and 5 minutes over three days, with Isner winning 6–4, 3–6, 6–7(7), 7–6(3), 70–68
Any televised baseball game
The situationship your coworker was in that they feel the need to talk about more than you’d prefer
The time it took to understand what a “situationship” is properly
The Trump Presidency
The Biden Presidency
The world’s fastest marathon time of 2:00:35, which is very fast!
An appetite any time “skate” is on the menu
A good nap
Waiting for a doctor’s appointment, even when you’re early
Doing the Sunday New York Times crossword puzzle
Baking a DiGiorno
Running a 10k at normal speed
The entire King James Bible
Third grade
Jacob Elordi
Any opening song at a Phish show
Cher’s entire career
The eternity that occurs whenever your boss Slacks you “Hey” and then forgets to follow up because they got distracted
A growth spurt
Completing the 14 Stations of the Cross
A singular drink with someone who just got into crypto, astrology, or having a pet.
Waiting for a 3am Domino’s delivery after you decided to get a second, third, and then fourth drink with said person who just got into crypto, astrology, or having a pet, thinking they’d be less annoying after more alcohol, but then you went too far with the fourth drink, and now you’re up way too late and hey, maybe some average pizza will help, right?
Finishing an entire antibiotic prescription
Rasputin’s beard
Visiting every location depicted in Home Alone 2: Lost in New York in order of appearance.
Breaking up with your therapist
Learning how to do a proper back squat without causing permanent damage to your legs, shoulders, or spine
The time it takes to understand that truly no one, and I mean no one, really knows what they’re doing
The third bridesmaid speech at a large wedding
Letting cookies cool so as not to give the roof of your mouth third-degree burns
Justin Guarini’s fame
An anteater’s tongue, which I’m somehow surprised wasn’t featured in the film Challengers. Something to keep in mind for the inevitable sequel.
