Relax, It’s Just the Trailer: Gladiator II
Sometimes two-and-a-half minutes of footage is all you need to give a penultimate thumbs up or thumbs down (or in this case, thumbs to the side?). Let’s discuss.
Look, we live in scary times. Insert any references to wars, elections, and/or other atrocities you see fit here, but it’s in these times specifically when we need joy most. We need footage of a penguin learning to surf (“Yo, surf’s up!”). We need more swine-y side quests (“Hello, Hammy!”). We need… Ok, what we really need is the trailer for Gladiator II (Yes, it’s II, not 2. They didn’t have the “2” yet in 200 AD and there’s nothing Sir Ridley Scott cares more about in his films than historical accuracy. Hm, actually don’t quote me on that.) Anyway, unleash hell!
There is a lot here and rather than go full “WE ARE SO BACK!” tornado, I figured I’d break this up by the amazing and then the… maybe concerning. Let’s begin.
Things I Like
They Flooded the Colosseum
They did it, they fucking DID IT! When I visited the original pasta bowl in 2016 (made the same joke then, still just as funny), I learned that they supposedly used to flood it to recreate famous naval battles and I remember thinking two things:
1. Damn, I’m 28 and have yet to learn what muscle strains, anxiety, or hardship really are. Now who wants gelato for the second time today?
2. Wow, what a missed opportunity for Sir Ridley! How did he not have my guy Maximus on a goddamn boat!?
Well, Max Prime might not get his shot at metaphorical sea, but Paul Mescal’s Lucius (more on him later) certainly is and I am psyched. Especially because…
There Is a Large, Man-Eating Shark IN the Flooded Colosseum
Do I care that there’s almost no chance this ever happened? I do not. The tigers and their insane scene were a technological marvel in the original Gladiator and while the shark is not the only beast to feature in this trailer, it is certainly the best. Although, after a quick Google search, this isn’t entirely out of the question.
On foot, the coast is less than 20 miles from the Colosseum. So, ignoring the fact that there aren’t many large shark species native to the Mediterranean, theoretically one could have been caught, transported, and released into the arena the day of the event to ensure it stayed alive. Although this seems like the order of an absolute madman (or men) with no concept of how many lives it would require to pull off such a feat. Speaking of which…
The Duel Emperors
Similar to filling the sandals of Russel Crowe’s Maximus, following Joaquin Phoenix’s performance as Commodus would be tough for any one guy, which is why they cast two instead in Joseph Quinn and Fred Hechinger, who will be playing the brothers Geta and Caracalla respectively. Interestingly, Phoenix was known to a certain demographic when he donned the crown in 2000, but he wasn’t the movie star he is today by any means. Sure, he’d done Inventing the Abbotts and 8mm, but he was probably best known for being River’s younger brother at the time (Gladiator did lead to his role as Johnny Cash in Walk The Line though).
Similarly, Joseph Quinn is about to get a lot more famous after this movie. While he’s known by some for his role on Stranger Things and being the co-lead in the recent hit, A Quiet Place: Day One, it’s going to be Gladiator II and next summer’s The Fantastic Four that send this dude into Joaquin territory (just hopefully without all the other… stuff). I hear Hechinger was also very good on The White Lotus, a show I didn’t watch, but I hear makes you want to go on vacation and coo like a bird.
Anyway, these two dummies appear to be completely out of control and having more fun than just about anyone else in the movie. Well, almost anyone…
Denzel Washington Is Legit Just Playing Denzel Washington, Which Is Rad
Little hoop earring? Check. Dabbing dudes up? Check check. Using the same accent as his character in Training Day? Yep, this is where we’re at. Denzel might be the greatest actor on Earth, but it’s been a while since he’s reminded people that he’s also not just a moviestar, but the moviestar (no disrespect to Fences or The Tragedy of Macbeth just… they’re not this).
There’s a world where he’s actually the main character of this story as he leads the downfall of Rome while his gladiatorial “instrument” dismantles the emperors from within… Or he might be in four scenes, absolutely charm everyone, kick ass, wear eyeliner, and get the fuck out. Either way, I’m just ready for some sick training montages with Denzel and Mescal involving some combination of cobras, hyenas, and quicksand. Or flaming tar pits. Or all of the above. Ok, it’s time…
Paul Mescal Has Arrived
Before all of you Normal People people come at me, just… chill. I saw Aftersun and I thought he was good. I saw All of Us Strangers and had no idea he was dead the whole time until someone explained it to me, and I also thought he was good. But in most of his big roles thus far, lord of the thighs Paul Mescal has been calm and sweet and intimate and quiet. This, however, this is none of those things.
After watching this trailer for the 17th time, I am firmly planting my flag as an official Paul Mescaliwag. See that? That’s mine, I made it up, and you can’t take it away from me. Also, I just learned what an actual “scallywag” is and, well, yeesh.
Anyway…
Mescal is playing Lucius in this film, the nephew of Commodus, grandson of Marcus Aurelius, and son of Connie Nielsen’s Lucilla, which we’ve known for a while. What we didn’t know is that he’s apparently going to experience amnesia and forget… that… he’s… the… heir to the throne? More on this later. Big think emoji face.
As a whole, Mescal looks the part: he got Crowe big, but not Hemsworth jacked. As a staunch supporter of the five-inch inseam, the Roman skirt fits him well. And, I don’t know, he just weirdly fits into the world more than I was expecting. I’m here for it, although I do think they missed an opportunity in not casting Andrew Scott as one of the emperors or as a senator since reuniting them could've been fun. Oh, speaking of people who aren't in this movie…
The Lack of Barry Keoghan
It’s well documented that noted grave fucker Barry Keoghan was supposed to appear in GII as the emperor Calaculla. However, he ended up leaving the project to lead the upcoming film Bird where, again, he looks like the above. Oddly enough, my weirdo dude Franz Rogowksi is also in Bird and was the guy I was hoping would play the other emperor opposite Keoghan. Alas.
All of that being said, I actually like that BK isn’t in this movie. While I loved his deranged performances in The Green Knight and The Banshees of Inisherin, it’s going to take him a minute to get past his role in Saltburn, a movie I think is dumb but fun, and immediately going full, cartoonishly evil emperor might not be the right move. But someone I was glad to see in the trailer…
Pedro Pascal Re-Enters the Arena
Pedro Pascal had been bouncing around Hollywood for a while by the time he showed up as Oberyn Martell on Game of Thrones, and while he’s done some good stuff since, I’m psyched that he’s re-entered a world where pits of death are commonplace. Is he a little more weathered and weary post-The Last of Us? Absolutely, but that’s part of being a pawn in this dirty, ruthless period. Also, he appears to be playing the one character who lives in the gray between good and evil, which was something sorely missing from the original movie.
How God Damn Luxurious Everything Looks
Sir Ridley’s explained how in recent years he’s adopted a more distributed style of filmmaking, which makes sense as – even at the ripe old age of 86 – he’s directed over 10 movies just in the past decade. And even for a guy who loves to shoot on location and go all out, Gladiator II is something else. While initially budgeted at $165 million, there are rumors of the production costing almost double that, and now we can see why.
The Colosseum looks significantly more alive and detailed than the version from the original, the royals and aristocrats are absolutely decked out, and every set looks like it was legit excavated from the ground surrounding Rome itself. Hell, they even trained a shark!
While I’d rather not compare Napoleon to Gladiator II, even though it has the same respective writer and director, if Sir Ridley learned anything from that movie, along with similar recent productions like House of Gucci, it’s that if you want the story to feel big then ya gotta go big and nothing feels bigger than iced out Denzel commanding an army to sack Rome while Paulie Mez battles the rest of the entire Roman legion in the arena.
The Return on Argento and Scarto
I’m just glad Maximus’ horses are getting the respect they deserve. That’s all I have to say about that.
Things That Give Me Pause
How Similar the Story Structure Seems to the Original
When the early info for GII started rolling in and we learned that Mescal would be playing a grown up Lucius, I imagined more of a palace intrigue-focused story that might include wheeling and dealing with the senate, indulgence at court, and I don’t know… maybe some visions of Maximus, who may or may not be his biological father. In retrospect, that was dumb.
Instead it appears that we’re basically getting the same story beat by beat. A man of high standing is sold into slavery? Yep. He seeks revenge on those who imprisoned him and wronged his family? Yep squared. He’s mentored by a wily veteran of film and stage? Yep cubed! For the record, I’m very fine with this and even though most of the good stuff probably got revealed in the trailer, I will still go see this movie II-IV times easily. But there’s one aspect of the story structure that I’m having trouble wrapping my head around…
Relying on Amnesia to Explain Why Lucius Doesn’t Remember He’s the Heir to the Roman Empire
Maybe there will be a reasonable explanation for this, but at the moment it seems like shit basically got bad for the royals after Maximus and Commodus died, which resulted in Lucilla sending Lucius away while she remained in Rome. And then somewhere along the way, he forgot all about his past life as a princeling, landing somewhere in North Africa before getting enlisted in the Roman army and away we go. Curious to see how they explain this, and something else I’m also curious about…
The Fake Ass Looking Rhino
That fake ass looking rhino. We’ve talked about the tigers from Gladiator, which were real much of the time, but did include some simple CGI. This rhino, however, looks cartoonish in a way that really stands out from everything else in the trailer that comes off as measured and precise (it’s giving Ferrari car crash scene and if ya haven’t seen Ferrari, please know that is not a compliment). Look, I’m willing to accept sharks in the Colosseum, it just seems odd to make the rhino (which Sir Ridley apparently wanted in the first film, but couldn’t figure out how to do at the time) such a pivotal part of the first trailer, especially when there are some other glaring omissions.
The Lack of a Hans Zimmer Score
Hans Zimmer is very important to me. Of all the cinematic composers, he’s my top guy (John Williams is the goat, but I will listen to Hans’ live album on repeat and never get tired of it. I legit crossed the finish line of the one marathon I’ve run whilst listening to his “Lion King Suite.” I am who I am!). But of all his scores, it’s Hans’ work on Gladiator that I think really launched his career – and the movie itself – into the stratosphere.
Just think of the opening battle with the German barbarian horde or the chariot scene during the battle of Carthage reenactment in the Colosseum or the closing montage with Maximus dragging his hand along the wheat (I was hoping I’d get through this without mentioning the fucking wheat, but here we are), ALL OF THEM are memorable because you can just hear the music that plays along. And while I am a fan of Sir Ridley’s new go-to composer Harry Gregson-Williams, whose work on The Martian I’m very fond of AND who also used to be Zimmer’s assistant, it’s just not quite the same.
Playing “No Church in the Wild” in a trailer is basically a cheat code, but when Gladiator II actually comes out it’s going to need a score that pays homage to the original without seeming like a carbon copy. Which, when you think about it, is really the hope for this entire movie.
